TPR!

Last I blogged we were starting visits again and biomom was given another chance. That didn't last long I think we only had 2 or 3 visits after that before she went AWOL again. Baby's  caseworker changed and on first impression we thought it would mean this new cw would start the whole process over again and give biomom and kin another go round. I think if it was totally up to him he would but luckily the supervisor and county attorney who have been involved with the case the whole time were ready to move on. At pre trial the county attorney called for TPR since neither bio parent had bothered to show. Judge agreed! Now we are just crossing our fingers hoping that a kin placement doesn't show up and make this a fight. We are so close to having this be over.

Baby is not a baby anymore he is getting so big his vocabulary grows by leaps and  bounds every day and he is constantly surprising us by what he understands and says. He fits in perfectly. We still have some issues if he is feeling abandoned but that has gotten better since visits have been non existent for a few months. Visits were so hard on him everything about his personality changed. He understood it so much more than I thought he did. His lovable silly personality changed to a insecure defiant little boy for days after a visit that he would spend the majority of the time screaming at and trying to leave. Sleepless nights were back and anytime we left his sight for even a moment a major meltdown ensued.  Watching what the system does to these little ones breaks my heart and I don't understand how they can think this is best for the child.

A family member ran into little man (our first placement ) I was sent a picture the sender thought it would make my day to see that little man was safe. it actually broke my heart because yes little man was physically safe I could still see the hurt in his eyes. So much miss trust showed. This should not be the look of a child only a few years old. He was no longer the carefree smiley baby of mine he was now a timid little boy with lots of hurt. It broke my heart...it breaks still.

How it all started

A few years ago we felt God was calling us to grow our already (by today's standards) large family. When God called us to adopt through foster care we knew it would be a test of the heart. After our son was removed from our home (more on that later) I struggled with how to deal with the grief. I googled, searched library records, christian bookstores, anywhere I could think of searching for any words of comfort or answers to what I was feeling. I found nothing. There were lots of books on dealing with grief of the death of a child and while I felt similar to that loss it was also much different and no one seemed to understand the difference or what I was feeling. The comments we received were less than helpful and sometimes downright rude. For future reference comments about God saving us from future heartache because he was not like us is not helpful. I was not in a place to want to hear that God had a plan it sounded so shallow and I felt that if one more person quoted Jeremiah 29:11 I would break. People who grieve the death of a child grieve their own loss. But that was not how I felt. My grief was for my son. For the hurt and confusion he must be feeling, being riped away from the only mom, dad and family he had ever known and be placed with a strange person who had no connection at all even biological. My grief was for the life style he would now live in. One of no hope in a society and living situation where kids goals are to not get arrested or pregnant before 15. Where the high school graduation rate is less than 10%. I know that Gods plans of hope for a future and to prosper apply to me but how can that apply to my son when his situation seems so hopeless.