the rest of the story

TPR happened in May 2013 but we knew that we were not safe until the adoption was complete. After TPR happened we aren't sure if we were forgotten about or what but the CW didn't check in with us until July our CW tried to help find out what was going on and was told that our case was being transferred to the adoption caseworker but when she talked to the ACW she had not received our file yet. We think that the CW was still trying to "do his do diligence" and find kin before he turned out case over to the adoption worker. The middle of July the ACW finally received our file and we were able to move forward with the adoption process! By now we were starting to see some behavioral issues with baby that we weren't sure what to make of them we were thinking RAD (reactive attachment disorder) he would scream for 45 min after dropping kids off at school or if anyone left the car. We couldn't leave him in the nursery or with anyone without a meltdown happening that would last for as long as he was left sometimes over an hour. We realized that the timing correlated with when visits had happened the year before. After mentioning it to the ACW she sent us to see a child physiologist that dealt with trauma kiddos. After meeting with and playing with baby she diagnosed him as a sensory seeker with Sensory Processing Disorder and after she explained it it described baby perfectly. There was also some trauma involved that she said would take time to get over and we have seen that.  Every April. July and October (these are the times that correlate with visits starting or stopping)  we go through meltdowns worse than normal, sleepless nights and what I describe as fear of being abandoned but hopefully as time goes on these will be less and less. I will go into this more later.
The rest of the adoption process went pretty smoothly. We heard rumors of kin being found but nothing ever became of anything and in November of 2013 we finalized the adoption. After 3 years of living under a microscope and having the county dictate our lives it has been a nice break to not have to worry about monthly visits, education and paper work.

need to vent

I haven't written in a while but lattley I have felt the need to have an outlet to vent. The need to maybe find others that feel the same or go through the same struggles with their adopted kiddo. For those of you who fallowed my blog earlier or for those who go back to read the previous blogs I will finish the story that led to the adoption. but for now I am venting.
IT.IS. HARD.
I know that we were told it would be but nothing could have prepared us for just how hard. Most days I hate what drugs, alchohol, abandonment, neglect, who knows what else, and the system did to our son. Other days it goes beyond that to feeling helpless in not knowing how to deal with him and wishing we had never adopted. Then hating myself for feeling that way. I know it is not his fault, I know he is stuggleing but sometimes the upheavle his adoption has taken on our family doesn't seem worth it. The guilt overwhelms me at times that I did this to my kids that this was unfair to them.

TPR!

Last I blogged we were starting visits again and biomom was given another chance. That didn't last long I think we only had 2 or 3 visits after that before she went AWOL again. Baby's  caseworker changed and on first impression we thought it would mean this new cw would start the whole process over again and give biomom and kin another go round. I think if it was totally up to him he would but luckily the supervisor and county attorney who have been involved with the case the whole time were ready to move on. At pre trial the county attorney called for TPR since neither bio parent had bothered to show. Judge agreed! Now we are just crossing our fingers hoping that a kin placement doesn't show up and make this a fight. We are so close to having this be over.

Baby is not a baby anymore he is getting so big his vocabulary grows by leaps and  bounds every day and he is constantly surprising us by what he understands and says. He fits in perfectly. We still have some issues if he is feeling abandoned but that has gotten better since visits have been non existent for a few months. Visits were so hard on him everything about his personality changed. He understood it so much more than I thought he did. His lovable silly personality changed to a insecure defiant little boy for days after a visit that he would spend the majority of the time screaming at and trying to leave. Sleepless nights were back and anytime we left his sight for even a moment a major meltdown ensued.  Watching what the system does to these little ones breaks my heart and I don't understand how they can think this is best for the child.

A family member ran into little man (our first placement ) I was sent a picture the sender thought it would make my day to see that little man was safe. it actually broke my heart because yes little man was physically safe I could still see the hurt in his eyes. So much miss trust showed. This should not be the look of a child only a few years old. He was no longer the carefree smiley baby of mine he was now a timid little boy with lots of hurt. It broke my heart...it breaks still.

yup we are still here and kicking

Termination was supposed to be set for this month but biomom was granted a continuation to try to prove she is fit.  So TPR is now set for may.
      in the past few weeks we have
                                       * hired a lawyer
                                       * been told that the caseworker is recomending us for adoption
                                       * been told the GAL is against us adopting becuase we are of a different ethnic background than baby
                                       * been told that MIPA (don't remember what is stands for but is a law preventing race to be a factor in an adoption)  will prevent GAL from making such a claim
                                       * found out biomom is still using and is pregnant
                                       * bio family has been found not fit for placement
                                      
We have started reserching and talking to our lawer and found out that foster parents have way more rights under the law then the county would like you to know about.
 what we have learned (remember I am not a lawer so this is just how I understand it)
                                   * if a child is in our home for more than 3 months we have the right to be party to the case and there for know everything that is going on and have a say for the childs best interest (they don't have to listen but I feel better at least knowing I get to voice my opinion)
                                   * under the law a kin placement is blood not the ex-wife of 20 years of a great uncle of bio moms MIA father.
                                   *but we have also learned that unless you have a lawyer to help them realize the law they will continue to opporate as if the law is not there.
                                  
                                   * we also learned that all though there are a lawyers willing to take the case at a reduced fee we still may need to sell a kidney and wish we had been saving for this from day 1. but baby is totaly worth the fight and the cost.

now what

At the visitation hearing the judge ordered that biomom get visitation rights back. (termination is still set for next month)  He also ordered homestudys done on 2 family members. So far there have not been any family members that have been approved to take him but supposedly these 2 family members didn't know he was in the system and just found out ( really? 1. they are lying 2. they are not very connected to the family so why are we making a big deal about placing him with kid?)
We started visits last we and just like 7 months ago he screamed the entire time.
To top it off he has a new GAL who is very determined that he go to kin.
So we now think it is time to contact a lawyer someone needs to look at his best interest and we don't believe the state is doing that. How can taking him away from the family he knows, loves and feels safe with and placing him with total strangers just because they share the same blood is better? causing a child to perhaps deal with attachment issues their entire life is better?
We were very clear with the caseworker about our intentions and our feelings. I am not sure if she respected us or think we are now out to make her job harder but either way I think we will now have a fight on our hands, if not from her then defiantly from the GAL and the state.

We are praying for wisdom and that God show us how and when we should fit for this little one he put in our house. We believe he is here for a reason and that it is our responsibility to fight for him until God shows us otherwise.

and so we wait

We had court this week. Caseworker asked for TPR...termination hearing set for February BUT a visitation hearing was also set for January (there are no visits now for reasons unknow)  ????  are we looking at termination or visitation? Everyone seems to be staging their feet on looking at the kin placement which isa little frustrating. I would like to at least know what direcion we were moving with that.
So for now we wait.

What mom missed this month
Seeing his eyes light up at the watching the Christmas tree
Keeping him away from the ornaments on said tree
He now sings and dances...he puts on quite the show
Lots and lots of teething poor baby got in 6 front teeth and 4 molers.

TPR

*court is in 3 weeks. Case worker said she was going to ask for termination....