and so we wait

We had court this week. Caseworker asked for TPR...termination hearing set for February BUT a visitation hearing was also set for January (there are no visits now for reasons unknow)  ????  are we looking at termination or visitation? Everyone seems to be staging their feet on looking at the kin placement which isa little frustrating. I would like to at least know what direcion we were moving with that.
So for now we wait.

What mom missed this month
Seeing his eyes light up at the watching the Christmas tree
Keeping him away from the ornaments on said tree
He now sings and dances...he puts on quite the show
Lots and lots of teething poor baby got in 6 front teeth and 4 molers.

TPR

*court is in 3 weeks. Case worker said she was going to ask for termination....

Nothing

It has been almost 4 weeks since we were told visits would start back up but we haven't heard a thing since then. Nothing about visits, nothing about family...nothing. I wish I could say no news is good news but I know all to well that is not always the case so we will continue to wait for any news.

On another note our case worker asked if we would consider another placement apparently there are quite a few babies in the system right now they are trying to get placed with foster to adopt families including a set of twins.
It was harder than I expected to say no. Some days I am so done with the system but other days when the drama seems so mild I can't help but think of all the little ones that need someone to love them.

vistis to start again!?!?!?!?

Really? here we go again.
Bio-mom is back in the picture. She contacted the case worker last week asking for visits to start up again. Baby G has not seen her in over 3 months! and the last round of visits did not go very well he cried the entire 2 visits. Permanency hearing is in December and we have been hoping they will call for termination which is what the case worker had been hinting at but of course now they have just learned about 2 "family" members that they now have to do due diligence in checking them and look at placing baby with them. Case worker promised us that if they did move baby they would make it a smooth long transition....as if that is supposed to make us feel better.

Things bio-mom has missed
-1st birthday
-baby has gone from walking to running
-baby loves to dance
-6 teeth and more coming
-first cold/fever
-first time seeing snow he stood at the window all morning watching it
-his laugh
-calling her mom

family

As we get closer to baby g becoming part of our family we are finding that some family is not quite as supportive as they originally seemed. Quiet comments about how our bio children seem to have to take on to much responsibility because of baby or are missing out or get less attention. Implied suggestions that we don't have to go through with it or we can just give him back and get back to our "normal" lives. It's not like those thoughts haven't crossed our minds a time or two but in the midst of the chaos it is not the encouragement we need. Doing what is right is not always what feels good or is easy. Don't get me wrong we love baby g and consider it a blessing and honor to be his parents right now.  but there are times it is hard, when life before seemed less stressful. when the guilt of  feeling like the older kids are not getting enough attention,  when date night is cancelled because respite feel through or nights together after the kids are in bed is put on hold or cancelled altogether because baby woke up crying for no reason.
But when things get hard I remember that we are doing this for a reason and that baby g was placed in our family and it is up to God to decide for how long.
We are to gracefully remind our family that this is not a fade we will grow out of and that if baby g does in fact become a permanent part of our family he will be be a part of our family in all ways.

if anyone has ever had to deal with this issue I would love some feed back
on how you handled it.

No visit today. That makes 2 missed visits. Not sure what to make if it considering I found out the reason was she is\was in jail :/
I'm sad for her. How messed up her life is that she can't even last a month out of rehab before getting in trouble. I'm not sure if I mentioned before but bio*mom is a previous foster kid that aged out of the system. So the fact that she is unstable really is not her fault...I know it is her choices that got her baby taken away but it was almost inevitable. How can she be expected to be stable when her whole life was completely unstable.

Visits

So 2 weeks ago we started visits back up at DPS after bio*mom left rehab. Baby G cried the entire time both visits. Both times bio-mom seemed very frustrated after each visit. We were supposed add another visit per bio-mom's request for more visits but they have been unable to confirm with her so we haven't started those yet. Visit today but mom was a no show no call. I am trying not to read into this but she was warned that 2 missed visits would result in visits being canceled until the caseworker reevaluated her treatment plan. I was more than happy to leave DPS with Baby and be able to have a happy baby for the weekend.

review

Yesterday was the review meeting. I decided just to call in. Mom has infact moved out of the rehab program against everyones recomendations. The case worker is not happy about her moving out and made it very clear to her during the meeting that this meant that baby would not be going home anytime soon. Mom obviously was not happy but apparently not enough to go back to rehab. So I guess we will just have to wait and see. Some days I am so done with the system I just want this to be over...whether he stays or goes home either way I just want this to be done. But then most days I hope that he gets to be part of our family. I know God has a plan I just hope that that plan is for this to be complete soon. Baby G will be our last foster baby our hearts and home just can't handle the rollercoaster ride anymore.

cancelled

Got a call as we were getting ready to head out tona visit. Bio*mom is no longer at the rehab house so no visit today....hmmm wonder what this means?

Mom asked that I attend a review meeting the end of the month. I have never attended one of these in person, I always just call in for the 10min they need me to give an update. I think she has ulterior motives. I think she thinks that I will bring baby and she will be able to convince GAL and CW that the 2 months she's been clean and the 5 visits she has had are enough and she should be able to take baby home that day. 
Last time I talked to GAL she said to expect to have him another 6 months. I'm not sure how to do this for another 6 months baby is getting so attached and at almost 11 months is developing a personality and becoming such a part of our family. Not just our 'little' family of 6 but also our extended 'family' of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, church people and anyone else he comes in contact with on a regular basis. It breaks my heart to think that if when he goes back to bio-mom  he looses all of that love.

update on little man

A few months ago I was cleaning and ran across the phone # for little man's "aunt" (the "family" member he was places with) I left it sitting in my drawer for weeks trying to get up the nerve to call. I just wanted to know how he was. Finally I asked my husband to call and just see how he was doing. I was hoping for some closure. She wanted to do lunch and meet with us. We agreed and met her that weekend. He looked exactly the same just taller. He also didn't seem to have change developmentally except for he was walking. He wasn't feeding himself or talking or anything most healthy 18 month old boys do. She told us that he was diagnosed with sensory disorder (really? hmmm I think I told them that since he was 4 months old but what does a foster mom know) I also think he was showing strong signs of attachment disorder but what would you expect of a child being taken at 7 month old from his family and placed with a stranger who I am sure has know idea how to help a child create a healthy attachment. She spent some time talking about how she didn't want him but was forced by family and case workers to take him.
I still can't decide if this was closure or just drugging up more if only's. I have to look at it as closure or risk killing myself with the if only's.
I am not sure how much we will stay in contact. Her adoption of little man was finalized end of July.

awkward.

Visit today. poor baby G he is so confused. He screamed when the case worker took him from me. He has never done that before, even with strangers. Bio*mom brought him out to the car like she has done before and she usually just puts him in the carseat. But before she had a chance to put him in the car he lunged for me. Awkward. little nervous for next visit. Bio*mom has made it very clear that, 'she is mom. Mother and son bond can't be broken no matter what. I need to respect her as his mom and remember that I have nothing to do with his life.'

3rd visit in as many weeks since bio*mom went MIA. He has done well the last 2 weeks but today he was very hesitant to go to caseworker. He looked so sad as he watched me drive away. I can't imagine how strange this must be to him having to see strange people at a strange place.

Update

So after months of bio-mom being MIA she shows up with lots of lip service about how she is going to work hard and get baby back. Of course it has to be around the same time we made the decision we would adopt if he became available. So far visits have not started back up, the case worker says that untill she sees concistencey she will not start up visits. Bio-mom has been emailing me the last few weeks, it has been realy hard to read/answer them. She has started back up with telling me what I should and should not do when it comes to baby. It's realy hard not to email back "look lady you dissapered and have no idea what he is or is not doing" but I pray for grace and camly ignor all demands and just tell her how baby is doing.
Baby G is doing great. At 9 months he is crawling, standing and will start running any day. We have 2 bottom teeth and looks like we will have more any day now. He loves to eat. He will eat anything set in front of him and wants to feed him self so we are starting to trade the baby food for finger foods. He is very attached to the family and is such a daddy's boy. Friends are amazed at the progress he has made in just a few months. He went from a serious non attached baby to an attached, healthy happy little boy. He does not like to be left alone and loves to be cuddled and rocked to sleep. He loves his blanket and has a hard time sleeping if we forget to bring it with us. His favorite toy is anything he can find that is not a toy, mostly paper. Not quite sure how big he is we go in for a check up next week but at his 6 month check up he had grown 5 inches in just 2 months! and I know he has grown a lot since then. He is in size 4 diapers and 12 month clothes. We love watching him learn and grow and wonder what his furture holds.

Here we go again

After months of mourning and not sure we would be able to or want to do this again we put our name back on the placement list. A few weeks later we received a call needing placement of infant cousins. We said yes. Yes I think we were slightly insane at the time. It sounded like it would be a short term thing and we figured how hard could 2 be. We soon found out. Baby L was very sensitive to noise and became very irritated if he was over stimulated. That did not work well in our very loud very busy family so after 2 months of him being very unhappy and our family feeling stressed we asked that he be placed with a family that would be a better fit for him. Luckily mom was very close to completing her reunification plan and 3 weeks later Baby L got to go home. Baby G was very independent at 4 months old he didn't seem to need anything except to be fed. This was nice with baby L being very needy but was also very worrisome. After 2 months with us there are no more worries...at least for now about the Independence. He is now very healthily attached and dependent on us. We thought Baby G would be going home within just a few months but the longer we have him the longer it looks like we will have him. Bio mom has stopped showing up to visits. The case worker and GAL say that there is NO family members able to take him, but we know all to well that that can change at any time. We have been asked if we are interested in adoption but are not ready to make that commitment yet. We haven't even discussed it as a couple or family. I just don't think we are ready to put our hearts back out there yet. Baby G is growing and developing very well.  He is for the most part a very happy baby but sometimes he gets this very serious look and his eyes look so sad. Makes me wonder what happened to him in the first 4 months that would cause such a look.

Persevere

per·se·vere/ˌpərsəˈvi(ə)r/

Verb:

Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no indication of success.

I have to admit I was not really listening to the sermon, I was trying but my mind kept wandering and I couldn't concentrate. I don't think the point of the sermon was on perseverance I think it was just said in passing but it caught my attention...for a second anyway. The pastor said God called us to persevere and that it meant continuing on even when there is no indication that we will succeed. That small side note hit every feeling and thought I have had the past few months pertaining to our little man and to foster care in general. God called us to pursue adoption through foster care but He did not promise we will succeed. He did promise that His plans are good and that we would prosper but my idea of prosper and success is not always His. He has called us to foster so we will persevere through that calling and maybe His plan for us is adoption and maybe not maybe His plan is success in that and maybe we will prosper in a way we never imagined. As I write this it seems so easy to do. But it is not at least not for me I am still struggling with hurts and whys of loosing little man and I still struggle to hold on to God's promise

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Yes I know this is the same verse I hated 4 months ago but when God hits you over the head with something over and over eventually you pay attention. I am learning to hole on to that promise not only for me and my family but also for little man.

I also had the thought when I heard to persevere it meant that I could also persevere in the return of my little man. That by asking and praying for him to come home doesn't mean I am giving up on or not trusting  God's plan for my life or his. I know the answer maybe no but as of now I haven't heard that answer...actually I haven't heard any answer so until I do I am going to persevere in asking for and praying for him.

Christmas

Christmas was so much harder than I imagined it would be. So many times my mind would wander to how much he would love the lights. So many times I had to avoid any baby Isle or entire stores when shopping. Between the season and him turning another month older, another month I missed it was at time unbearable. What milestones was I missing? crawling or maybe even walking he was always so advanced. My hear aches for all the mile stones I have missed and all the ones I will miss. It aches for all the memories that will never happen, the pictures never taken.